Our Bicycle Zoo - Episode 1

Reading time: approx. 9 min

Important note on the cover photo: You only need a mountain bike here: in the mountains. A tip for cyclists: take the Firstbahn up from Grindelwald. One way for 32 francs. Then it's all your own way down: an hour and a half and around 1100 meters of altitude.

When the birds chirp everywhere and the year awakens, the desire to cycle grows in German citizens. He (or she) goes down to the basement to check on the bike. But what if it has been stolen or is just a pile of old junk? Then a new one has to be bought. This series is intended to help the interested reader to get to know the different species of the bicycle zoo and represents valuable buying advice for the uninitiated.

The Mountainbike

The mountain bike (MTB for short) wants to ride around in the mountains. If you can read English, you've already guessed it: mountain bike. Because it wants to ride in the mountains, it has thick tires with coarse studs and suspension. If it can't rumble through the dirt and over hill and dale, it's sad. It doesn't want to rock to the ice cream parlor, but to the Engadine.

The common mountain bike is caring and protects the most valuable parts of the body. It does this with its suspension, especially the one at the front. This prevents an ache between the legs when, for example, a nasty pothole snaps at the rider. Or snaps at the female rider. But after a while the mountain bike itself can easily get an ache because the fork starts to wobble. Treatment at the bike doctor then becomes expensive. If you don't like wobbling, you just don't ride over hill and dale, but only over sticks and stones. Or you can go for the subspecies of the so-called hardtails. This population of mountain bikes has no suspension. They are also called hardtails.

Can you keep a mountain bike in a way that is appropriate for its species if you don't love mountains? How does the rider's longing for smooth asphalt fit with the innate wildness of the animal that moves? Behavioral researchers report that it can be tamed in moderation. The MTB is supposedly also able to ride with smooth tires. A certain amount of fatness is also good for the MTB: fat frame tubes ensure stability. Otherwise, however, the MTB is a bit of a show-off because it waves wild gears and horns on the handlebars.

Caption: The subspecies of the MTB, the fat bike, is characterized by overweight tires. Here the Dude CF 8 model from Canyon for 2,500 euros ( Image source: Canyon)

The DIY store wheel

The DIY store bike is a pitiful creature. It usually stands alone as an exotic DIY store item in a special offer area, with a special offer sign on the handlebars with a very small special offer price written in large letters. It is important that there are lots of stickers on the bike with pithy sports slogans. The DIY store bike is a charlatan that makes the buyer roll their eyes. Something like a two-wheeled Playboy. With a mat in the neckline.   

According to the theory of heredity (Mendel!), the father of the DIY store bike is a mountain bike and the mother is a water pipe. This is why the child is a little misshapen. The bike frame cannot hide its origins from the water pipe: old pipes and incredibly heavy to boot.

The hardware store only sells the hardware store bike because it actually wants to sell tools. It works. The hardware store bike doesn't last long, the customer soon comes back and buys a pipe wrench, screwdriver and cable ties. And so the year passes. In the fall, the hardware store bike goes into the basement. And in the spring, a new hardware store bike is bought.

Recorded with the wildlife camera: A pack of DIY bikes taking a rest. ( Image source: Welzel, de-rec-fahrrad.de)

The racing bike

The racing bike is a fast-moving animal. It wants to run, not strut, walk or run. Most of the time. Sometimes a Colnago struts to the Italian restaurant for a cappuccino, but that only happens in Munich. It also doesn't like rain. Because it doesn't have mudguards. This leads to unsightly patterns on the driver. Because the rims are very thin, the racing bike doesn't like curbs. But: The racing bike is the best at translating the rider's power into propulsion. Racing bikes are like greyhounds. They weigh nothing and have long legs.

A racing bike needs a lot of attention. The narrow tires need high pressure, which you have to check often. Otherwise it won't roll properly and the tires will go over. A huge number of gears on the rear wheel require a lot of adjustment work. Because the gearshifts are short and the chain is thin. The combined gearshift and brake levers are really cool because you can concentrate fully on riding without having to do a lot of levering. The racing bike is too impatient for shopping, and it often doesn't have a side stand. If you lean on it, it gets dents. It's practical that your shopping can't fall off because there's no luggage rack.

Anyone who wants to buy a racing bike has to make sure that they get enough exercise, otherwise the bike will get arthritis. And there is a dress code for cycling enthusiasts. Cap and shorts are the order of the day. Tweed jackets are only acceptable if the bike was made before 1930.

If you want to cycle in a suit, you need a racing bike from before 1930. You can then go on the Tweed Run with it. There are many cities, e.g. London or Stuttgart. (Image source: www.tweedrum.com)

The e-bike

We have to go into the plant world for a moment. Mr. Mendel once discovered something about the theory of heredity. Something about cross breeding and genes. That's what they did with e-bikes. The e-bike is a cross between a moped, an armored reconnaissance vehicle and a bicycle. A moped because it drives itself. An armored reconnaissance vehicle because it's as heavy as a tank and everyone is always looking to see if the thing was expensive. And a bicycle because it vaguely resembles one.

The e-bike is a child of the convenience society. That's English and means something like comfort. And you can't blame anyone for that. If cooking is too much work for you, you can order from a pizza delivery service. There are also toilets that automatically take care of the annoying business of cleaning your bottom. In other words: You can make your life comfortable, but you have to think about what that leads to, apart from obesity.

With e-bikes, this initially leads to costs. Because it is expensive to buy. And also afterwards, because the battery weakens after a few years. The medical costs are also expensive, because it is prone to illness. What nobody tells you: e-bikes die young. Have you ever seen an old e-bike in the wild? Unpopular, but: This is an environmental burden and a waste of resources.

Anyone who wants to own an e-bike should have a handicap or experience pain when moving. Anyone under 60 and without such aches and pains doesn't need one, they're just too lazy and will pay a lot of money for it. Take Trimmy's word for it: pedaling keeps you fit.

This is Trimmy. He says: If you cycle, you stay fit. However, that does not apply to e-bike users. They remain as unathletic as they were and tend to gain weight. ( Image source: German Sports Association)

The Dutch bike

The Dutch bike looks like a warhorse, like the war horses of the knights of old. There is armor everywhere: a skirt guard at the back so that the skirt doesn't get caught in the spokes. A chain guard in the middle so that the big toe doesn't get caught in the chain.

The Dutch bike is mostly only found in Holland. That's because it has hardly any gears and because of the height of the frame you sit on it like a monkey on a grindstone, completely upright. Although there is a lot of wind in Holland and sitting upright is often not possible. But you have to ask the Dutch about that.

Dutch bikes are extremely good-natured. One reason for this is the handlebars. I don't want to say that the handlebars are actually called "English handlebars". That would just confuse the reader. But the handlebars are the best thing about the whole bike. The ride is about the same as with a seven-point-five tonne truck: you sit on top, have the overview and are king of the country road. When the terrain is flat. In Stuttgart or Grindelwald, that's the end of the road. The Dutch bike doesn't like mountains. It doesn't want to rush either, it prefers leisurely pace. If you need to slow down and discover slowness, you have an ally here.

Caption: The Dutch bike. From the luxury brand Gazelle. The name is misleading: a bike like this is more for leisurely riding. ( Image source: Gazelle)

The bicycle zoo has even more residents. The city bike. The vintage bike. The bonanza bike. The gravel bike. But that is the next episode of the popular series "Our Bicycle Zoo". (Christoph Preussler)